Jackson Pollock by Miltos Manetas

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Check, 1-2 Is this thing on?

I think now is an ok time to discuss something I did a while ago.

Let’s take this whole thing back a few steps first:  I haven’t had a meaningful relationship in quite some time, and quite frankly I was starting to feel like I needed someone to bond with.  Roughly seven months ago I said to myself, “Self…you’re a fabulous person and you should share your fabulousness with someone just as fabulous.  Go get ‘em tiger!”

This is where the story gets kinda funny and really stupid:  I joined an online dating site.  Yes, seriously.

I kept it a secret from my parents (like I’m 12 again) because I had a feeling they would straight-up scalp me if they knew I was meeting dudes online…in person.  I also kept it a secret from my friends because if I thought the whole thing was silly, they would think it was even sillier.  Is that a word? Anyway… 

Covered in the slobber of my new found confidence, I went to town creating a profile, complete with my most dashing photos (so, like, 3?).  In the back of my mind I was screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”  I called myself every name in the book.  Did that stop me? Of course not! Now, I do not necessarily condone online dating activities, but I’m not totally against it.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Meet a weird dude, give him your phone number, he somehow finds your address, stalks you for a month, you end up dead in a broom closet at your local gym (like I work out…), then you’re on the news.   I know, I know, it’s very real and I shouldn’t joke about it… 

Soon enough my inbox was flooded with emails.  No, I’m not saying this to make myself sound cool because honestly, anything I say from here on out is going to make me sound like a complete online-dating moron.  They were, in a weird way, flattering.  And in a flattering way they were weird…? Of course I got weird messages! That’s what online dating sites are all about!

Did I meet anyone? The answer is yes.
Did I meet anyone worthwhile? The answer is no.

For now, this is what my experience can tell you:  If you’re looking for complete weirdos ranging from 42 year old sex addicts to insecure 20 year old llama owners, a FREE online dating site is the way to go.

To be continued…

1 comment: