Jackson Pollock by Miltos Manetas

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Check, 1-2 Is this thing on?

I think now is an ok time to discuss something I did a while ago.

Let’s take this whole thing back a few steps first:  I haven’t had a meaningful relationship in quite some time, and quite frankly I was starting to feel like I needed someone to bond with.  Roughly seven months ago I said to myself, “Self…you’re a fabulous person and you should share your fabulousness with someone just as fabulous.  Go get ‘em tiger!”

This is where the story gets kinda funny and really stupid:  I joined an online dating site.  Yes, seriously.

I kept it a secret from my parents (like I’m 12 again) because I had a feeling they would straight-up scalp me if they knew I was meeting dudes online…in person.  I also kept it a secret from my friends because if I thought the whole thing was silly, they would think it was even sillier.  Is that a word? Anyway… 

Covered in the slobber of my new found confidence, I went to town creating a profile, complete with my most dashing photos (so, like, 3?).  In the back of my mind I was screaming “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”  I called myself every name in the book.  Did that stop me? Of course not! Now, I do not necessarily condone online dating activities, but I’m not totally against it.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Meet a weird dude, give him your phone number, he somehow finds your address, stalks you for a month, you end up dead in a broom closet at your local gym (like I work out…), then you’re on the news.   I know, I know, it’s very real and I shouldn’t joke about it… 

Soon enough my inbox was flooded with emails.  No, I’m not saying this to make myself sound cool because honestly, anything I say from here on out is going to make me sound like a complete online-dating moron.  They were, in a weird way, flattering.  And in a flattering way they were weird…? Of course I got weird messages! That’s what online dating sites are all about!

Did I meet anyone? The answer is yes.
Did I meet anyone worthwhile? The answer is no.

For now, this is what my experience can tell you:  If you’re looking for complete weirdos ranging from 42 year old sex addicts to insecure 20 year old llama owners, a FREE online dating site is the way to go.

To be continued…

Saturday, December 10, 2011

New Newish News Newt

Holy crap.  More like holy s**t.  As I sit here with my cat draped across my arms, cutting off circulation and complicating my typing efforts, I have updated my blog.  I know, I know, it's nothing special.  BUTTTTT I didn't know that I could change the background with the template I was using.  See what my college degree has done for me? Impressive.  So now my pointless stories will appear mostly in black and white, hence the name of the blog.  I'm rollin' with a zebra-ish background and the title color may change with the seasons.  Right now it's green because I love Christmas.  Zebra print and Christmas--how perfect.

Such. A. Nerd.

I have nothing more to offer right now.  Aren't you glad you wasted your time reading this? I promise I'll have something less boring next time I post.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I knew this was coming...


Yes I was born and raised in the fine state of WI.  Yes it snows ev-er-y year.  Yes I'm sick of it.  "If you don't like it, move!" How about, no? How about if you love the snow so much, you move to Alaska? Hmmmmm? Didn't think of that, did you? Didn't think so.

I know we've had a very mild winter so far, as far as snowfall goes.  My main problem isn't even the snow.  It's the cold.  Sure, one could argue that when it's cold it snows, therefore I hate snow.  I guess that's not totally false.  To give you a better idea as to how I truly feel about snow, I compiled a list of things I hate about snow and things I hate doing in the snow:

And let's be honest, you like snow, you DO NOT like the cold.  You belong in Colorado where it snows 3 feet, but you can go shovel in a t-shirt.  You DO NOT like walking to class when it's -20 and feeling like severing off your own limbs with a butter knife.  Why you would carry a butter knife to class with you is beyond me, but it made my point.  You DO NOT like scraping inches of ice off your car.  You DO NOT like having to nearly bust your door handle to get into your own damn vehicle because it's FROZEN SHUT.  You DO NOT like driving on the freeway and having to use an entire jug of windshield wash to keep the sh**-slush off of your windshield.  You also DO NOT like walking through all the nasty sh**-slush and having your feet get wet.  If you DO like that, please let me know, because you deserve to own that butter knife I mentioned earlier. 

Come to think of it, you're probably someone fortunate enough to have a garage.  If you DO have a garage and don't use it, I'll send you another butter knife--personalized...gift wrapped...shipped for free...

Just for the record, the first significant snowfall is usually 3% enjoyable.  I was going to say 2% but that reminds me of milk which has nothing to do with this pointless story.  I admittedly admired the snow in the street lights AND made a heart in the fluffy snow in the parking lot.  

Look! I even scrounged up photos of me in the snow!!

I was outside for 15 minutes:

I was forced to do this:

You also DO NOT like this:

K I'm done.  :)